Chubby baby :)

Isn't she cute? :P

Does she look like me? Or more like her dad? Sometimes I think she resembles her daddy more...

Her favourite "game"....

A happy baby :)

Candra's 14 weeks old now. :)

This little girl can now be carried in an upright position without any support to her neck and she is expressing herself a lot more now.

Hmm.. she's getting bored with her toys though... she used to be really entertained by them and could play with them on her own for about half an hour or even more...but now, I think she's figured out that none of the toys can interact with her. They may smile at her but they do not make any noises or interact at all. She prefers to play with human beings now because we can, apart from smiling at her, talk to her, sing to her, make all sorts of sounds to entertain her etc. :) She enjoys moving her body, arms and legs... I think she's going to be quite active when she starts to crawl, walk....then run. Maybe that explains why she finds her toys 'boring'.

She doesn't like to lie down during wake time.. the lying down position is only reserved for sleeping time. She will only be willing to be carried in the cradle position when she is really tired and is ready to be put to bed. She wants to be carried in an upright position all the time...a sign that she's growing up huh:)

This little one cannot sit still for long... ever since she discovered that she can stand (with our help of course). She will find every opportunity to stand up and attempt to walk a few steps. Given that she's getting heavier each day.. (past 6kg now probably)... it's really tiring helping her "stand up" all the time..but she just loves that. I wonder what it would be like when she starts learning how to walk. :p

There's something which I find really interesting... she likes to suck her fingers..but she seems to have her own rules regarding the sucking of her fingers...the sucking of her right thumb is strictly reserved for naptime and bedtime.. other times...she enjoys sucking other fingers and almost never her right thumb. Haha :P

I just love watching her smile and hearing her laugh.. super cute. :) She's a happy baby....and I hope she will always be.

Another growth spurt? :P

This morning, I was shocked when I picked Candra up from her baby cot.

She looked...BIGGER.

I mean, her head looked bigger, her face looked bigger...her body seemed to have expanded.

My domestic helper thought so too.

True enough, for the rest of the day, her intake of milk increased. Instead of her usual 150ml, my domestic helper tried feeding her 180ml because she seemed unsatisfied with the 150ml.

Now I am hoping that my breastmilk supply can catch up cos I was not around to latch her on in the day. I was expressing milk in office..though I did try to express more than usual.

Think she just went through another growth spurt... the last time she went through one was when she was 6 weeks old. After that one, 120ml per meal was no longer enough and we had to up it to 150ml.

Her chest and abdomen area feels BIGGER...

It's amazing.....this growth spurt thinggie...

Control freak

I am such a control freak.

During my quiet time yesterday, I reflected and realised that I want to control Candra's growth so much. I want to make sure that all the decisions I am making and will be making are perfect to ensure that Candra grows well physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. The desire to keep things under control causes me to live in fears and anxieties and I easily fall into the trap of legalistic thinking while parenting Candra.

God reminded me that perfect love drives out fear and the one who fears is not made perfect in love (1John 4:18). God also drew my mind to remember that I live by grace and that His grace is more than sufficient as we move along. The more I make decisions out of fear and the desire to keep things "perfect" and "under control", the less I am relying on God. Any decision made out of fear will not please God and will certainly not bear the results I hope to see.

These few words kept coming to mind, "Less of me and more of You, Lord."

Recently, as I think through my decision to return to work etc...and wonder about the future, God's been leading me to meditate on Psalm 127:1,

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

Unless God builds my family, I labour in vain. Unless God watches over Candra's growth, I watch over her in vain. Less of self and more of God...

First day back at work

I am coming to the end of the first day back at work. I am grateful to God for leading me again today.

This morning, I felt so sad when I left home. Afterall, I have been spending so much time with Candra over the past three months. One part of me felt sad because I knew I would miss her, the other part of me felt "bad" for leaving her at home. I felt bad because I thought a mum who leaves her baby at home for work is a bad mum. I also felt a tension within myself because I knew I had to focus on my work in the day.

There was nothing I could do to make myself feel better but to pour out my heart to God as I travelled to work and I sensed God telling me that I should not think that a mother who leaves her baby at home for work is necessarily a bad mother. I felt God assuring me and comforting me that "it's ok and that He understands". After that, I prayed and asked God to help me focus on my work and not be half-hearted. I did not want to be "joyless" for the whole day. I had to surrender everything to the Lord...Candra, and myself.

I am thankful to God for leading me through the day. My colleagues welcomed me. The partners in my firm have been really understanding. They assured me that they understand my need to work part-time and are happy to work things out and be flexible. They are also prepared to let me have a flexible lunch hour to accomodate one breastmilk pumping session. They encouraged me to breastfeed for as long as I can and assured me that I could take time off to do the necessary. I am so glad dad's office is just downstairs, on 10th floor, because that means I have a good place to express milk, sterilise the equipment, bottles etc.. (many have told me that they have difficulty finding a suitable place to do that).

Boss was kind to exempt me from going to court this week so that I can ease into work slowly. The first day's not as bad as I thought really...

I am glad I can return home, knowing that I have the full day with Candra tomorrow. :) That gives me a lot of motivation to be efficient at work. Of course, the kindness of the partners at my firm also cause me to want to be more effective at work.

I thank God for leading me this day and I know I need only to move a day at a time. He is truly our refuge and our ever present help in times of trouble.

No matter what happens, being joyful, praying always and giving thanks in all circumstances is God's will for us in Christ Jesus. :P

A boy or a girl? :p

Back to work soon

I have decided to return back to work next week and I will be using my balance maternity leave to try out the part time arrangement. I will be working full days on Mon, Wed and Fri and staying home on Tues and Thurs. Initially, I thought I should work half days from Mon to Fri, but looking at Candra's routine and needs at work, I don't think that makes sense. Candra's daily routine is something like this:

8am: Nursing and waketime

930am: 1st Nap

1130am: Nursing and waketime

1pm: 2nd Nap

3pm: Nursing and waketime

430pm: 3rd Nap

6pm: Nursing and waketime

730pm: 4th Nap (catnap)

830pm: Nursing then bedtime

I think it would be more efficient for me to be at work for 3 full days and more fruitful to be at home for 2 full days rather then splitting up everything into half days.

I am not too sure whether things will work out well but for now, I thank God that my boss is very ready to let me try that out and work out something suitable in the long run.

Returning back to work also means more effort with respect to breastfeeding. I finally decided to invest in the Philips Avent ISIS Duo electronic pump set. Tried it out for the first time this morning and I think it's much more efficient than the Medela Pump-In-Style which I borrowed from my friend (but I am not too sure whether the newer Medela pumps are better). I hope that the process of expressing milk at work will be smoothgoing.

Well, I am thankful that Candra's settled well into her daily routine and is sleeping through the night after her last feed. I am definitely getting more uninterrupted sleep at night now and it's good because I am returning to work.

Please pray for me as I adjust back to work. I don't know whether I can keep every aspect of my life in good balance, but I will definitely do my best.

Sleeping through the night?

Last night, I woke Candra up at 1130pm for her "dreamfeed"...but she could hardly take her feed cos she just wanted to sleep so badly. So I decided not to feed her and hoped that she slept through the night. True enough, she woke up at 8am this morning for her first feed.

Contemplating whether to try again tonight and see if she can last till 8am again. I am really hoping that we can drop this feed permanently cos that means we can all go to bed after her last feed at about 830pm.

Relying on God in everything

I have been learning to rely on God through prayers as I go about taking care of Candra's daily needs. Truly, our God is with us every moment of the day and He is interested in every little detail. We should never only go to God for "big stuff"...cos He wants us to experience His involvement in everything.

I need God to help me discern Candra's cries. I need God to help expel the gas from Candra's little tummy which causes her discomfort (God has never failed to answer this little prayer of mine :p). I need God to cause Candra to take in full-feeds. I need God to cause Candra to be willing to settle down for sleep. I need God to guide me in Candra's feeding routine and to cause Candra to sleep through the night.

Lately, I have been trying to find out how long Candra can last through the night without a feed. It's really trial and error...but I have been experiencing God's faithfulness in guiding me through the process. With God's guidance, I adjusted Candra's last feeding time from 1+am...to 12+am....to 1130pm at night. Sometimes, Candra's feeding routine in the day may go off track for some reason or another, but God will always help us get back on track at some point.

God is good and He is super interested in our daily lives. Let us not only go to God for "big stuff" or only in times of trouble. We can experience His presence much more if we learn to rely on Him in all things.

There is no prayer which God deems as insignificant.

My girl's growing up

Time really flies. My girl's almost 3 months old and I am about to return to work.

I am grateful to God that Candra has been keeping her routine pretty well. I am hoping that she will continue to keep it well after I have returned to work.

I have my worries about returning to work and I am not too sure whether the part-time arrangement will work out. Loads of uncertainties ahead of me. I wonder whether I will be home to discover that Candra has moved to a 4-hour routine (so that I can adjust her feeding times accordingly) and whether I will be home to meet her next growth spurt (which would affect breastmilk supply). I am worried that she would stop keeping her feed-wake-sleep routine when I am away from home etc. etc. etc....

But I know, I have to cast all my anxieties on God who cares for all of us. I am definitely still learning the lesson of taking a day at a time and a step at a time.

God has been faithful... very very faithful... and He will continue to be so.

Honestly, I've been living as if there is a "perfect mum" standard, when there really isn't. Which explains why I am so easily stressed out and fearful that I am not doing my best for Candra. Questions like, "Does going back to work mean I am not as good a mother? Does taking some time off for myself and leaving her at home at times mean I am not as a good a mother?" bug me all the time. But, I know I really need to let go and trust that God's grace is more than sufficient. And remember that there is really no "good/perfect mum" standard that I got to match up to.

What's most important is LOVE.

Let's hope the perfectionist me will learn my lessons well :)

Thanks be to God!

Thank God.

Candra's napping much better lately.

She is officially weaned off her pacifier for both her daytime naps and bedtime (cos she doesn't want it anymore). BUT, she has found her thumb (oh dear)!

Maybe it's because she now knows how to self-sooth by sucking her thumb, she sleeps longer for her naps and she tries to return back to sleep on her own after waking up prematurely (instead of crying).

There is much less crying on her part nowadays. When we put her down in her baby cot for "Sleep-time", she goes off to sleep on her own most of the time. Less 30mins cat naps from her now.

Not too sure whether the modified "cry-it-out" method and the establishment of a routine taught her something...that's what we did with her in the hope of training her to take her naps. But anyway, we are glad that her napping has improved tremendously (considering she used to just sleep a maximum of 2 hours in the day).

I just want to give thanks to God for answering our prayers and the prayers said by many others. Ultimately, any learning or change on Candra's part has to be the work of God and no one else.

We prayed for a few things:

1. That Candra would learn to sleep on her own
2. That Candra would not have to rely heavily on the pacifier (which we felt disrupted her sleep)
3. That Candra would learn that her body needs rest when she is tired
4. That Candra would learn that napping is part of her daily routine
5. That Candra would take longer naps

Thanks be to God!