Waiting, persevering, and hoping...

Hai.. Joshua's naps are still not regular. Well, I must say that there has been some improvement. At least he does not cry throughout his naps now... he would most of the time sleep at least 1 cycle.. for some, he will fall back to sleep after some crying, the rest, he would just keep crying till feeding time. I am still waiting for him to learn to fall back to sleep because this boy needs his long naps. He has been cranky for almost all of his waketimes because of the poor napping. He is unlike his sister who was able to keep herself super alert despite the lack of sleep. This boy has hardly been playing.

This is his pattern now. On a day when he is more alert, he will not nap well, waketimes will be bad because of the poor napping, the next day will be a day with a lot of sleeping (sometimes too much) because he has to make up for the lost sleep the day before, waketimes are also bad and cranky because he does not want to play much. So basically, Joshua's still a very cranky baby. I am persevering and waiting for the day he starts to nap well and fall into some regular routine. There was one day when he did that, and he was quite an angel and could play better. So yup, good naps are SUPER SUPER important. Praying the regular long naps will fall into place soon.. I will wait...he has been learning...as I can see that from the improvement from no nap to at least 1 cycle.

He hasn't slept through the first 7-8 hours yet.. I was hoping for that actually.. especially since his sister did that at about 7 weeks and according to Babywise 7-9 weeks is the usual. But it's ok, I figured some kids really do take longer to sleep through.. furthermore, I just realised, after analysing the situation with hubby yesterday that I might have made a mistake in the arrangement of his feeds in the evening... Making last minute adjustments now, hoping that would help him pick up the skill sooner..a little late.. but I am trying to take it easy.

This boy's personality plus his biological makeup does make his training tougher. I have been learning to be patient.. patient with him as I persevere in the routine and sleep training. He may take a longer time to learn because his resistance seems rather strong, but I am still hoping and praying for things to fall into place. For this boy, haphazardness or letting him take the lead on his cycles is definitely a bad idea.. I can imagine how terrible and tiring that would be for me and it would not benefit the whole family.

I would say that God's been teaching me an important lesson on patience through this boy. Patience with him even though he is perpetually fussy and is always doing the right thing at the wrong time (sleeping when it's waketime, waking when it's sleeptime etc.)...I have come to realise how limited I am... Lacking in love.. lacking in patience...So many times, I find myself confessing to the Lord that I am such a horrible mummy and asking Him to increase my capacity to love and accept the fussiness. It's not easy to be gentle always in face of a constantly fussy baby.

Each child tests us in a different way. Though it's been really tiring and draining...I know I must not give up learning together with Joshua, for he is God's gift to me. No matter how difficult the journey is, unconditional love and acceptance is the way.

I can only lean on God.........for without Him, I wouldn't know how to cope with everything.

Hubby's 2 weeks leave is ending soon... :(, it's been wonderful having him around. He took leave at just the right time, I was at my end really and needed a break. Starting from next week, I will be on my own with the 2 kiddos again... A little frightening for me at times.. but well, I just got to be strong.

When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel?

We are waiting.. waiting for the day Joshua decides to give up altogether and just follow the routine we have set out for him.

It's been such a tough journey.. a battle of wills everyday, our will against his. As a mother, I feel so drained struggling to train him because I got to withstand his cries, protests and whines. Been having terrible tension headaches from the lack of sleep, stress, depression etc...But thankfully, my condition started to improve after I started memorising scripture on hubby's prompting. Nothing could cure my headaches, the Word of the Lord did that immediately. That's the power of His Word.

Day after day, I keep crying to the Lord, "When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel?" This journey has called for a great deal of perseverance...Joshua's tough training started at around week 5 and 6, it's already week 8 now and we are moving into week 9... how I wish the whole process will be over soon.. but the boy got to decide to give up.

His ability to do his nights well just prove to us that he is capable of doing his daytime naps well. In fact, he does do well at certain naps, when he DECIDES to sleep on his own and alone. Same problem we had we Candra, they are capable of doing what we want them to do but they will only do that when they DECIDE to do it. The key is, they got to DECIDE to do it. When they don't want to, they will just cry and demand for attention and do that persistently.... hai... KIDS... that's what they are really good at huh, testing limits and pushing boundaries... :)

Honestly, after going through the fire for Candra's training, I thought No. 2 will definitely be easier, but now, I think what I went through for No. 1 only served as preparation for No. 2 because No. 2's seemingly tougher. :( I certainly hope No. 3 (if we do go on to have No. 3 that is) will be easier.....such times force me to cry out to the Lord for mercy. I did ask myself, "Why not give up training since it's so tough?"..but I know I have no alternative. No training for me means more fatigue and chaos at home... which = to more stress. Either way is stressful, training is stressful...but no training will even be more stressful in the long run. Of course, I am assuming Joshua will learn and surrender someday.

O, I wish Joshua learns soon and just give up completely.......on that day, peace will be restored to our home... I think he has been crying at least a total of 4 hours a day, naptime plus waketime.

I am thankful Candra's been patient and loving towards him still. Although there are times when she snaps too because of her brother's fussiness (which I think is understandable given that we snap at times too), she snaps a lot lesser than I do definitely. In that sense, I am learning from her, a little child.

I am so humbled when I look at my ugly self... I snap so easily when I am under stress... I feel like I am such a terrible mummy.. short-tempered and impatient... my poor kids suffer when I can't get a proper grip on myself. Sigh....

O Lord, have mercy on us... help us see the light at the end of the tunnel...in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Training for Little J and mummy

Oh.... the training for Little J's getting really tough. Reminds me of the days when we were training Candra.

Initially I thought little J's going to be easier because he was pretty good in the first month. Slept well, cried only 15 to 20 mins before going off to sleep on his own. BUT, things started to change at about week 5... started to cry during naps and as the weeks progressed, the crying increased. On a worst day, he could cry throughout 3 out of 4 naps (final nap he will knock out because he is just too tired). For a long time, I was trying to figure out what was the cause of it, too cold, too hot, gas etc? Gave him aircon, music, etc......BUT, nothing worked... finally, we analysed and figured out the root cause. This boy wants to be carried and accompanied during naps.

Little J wants to be carried ALL the time... both during waketime and naptime.. thankfully, he is amazing good at night, sleeps by himself and does not disturb anyone. It's been tiring and draining because he fusses whenever we put him down during daytime. But we know he needs to learn and so we are trying to get used to his fussing. This boy does not enjoy being put on the bouncer or the rocker. He also does not enjoy watching his mobiles or any toys for that matter..... :( He just wants to be carried all the time. Oh my...

We have been insisting on the training, it's been 2plus weeks now.. this boy's been very persistent though... persistent in crying for attention during naps. I've been feeling really drained by the whole process, but I know I have no alternative but to go through the training process. If we give up, we will have to carry him all the time and it won't be good for our family in the long run, especially if we are looking to having some more children. As it is, his sister's been feeling a little neglected because of the attention we have been giving to him. Oh... I wish he will learn it soon. His sister took weeks too.........:(, we are praying really hard for him.

I am so thankful hubby's on leave these 2 weeks starting from today. God knows I need help at home and I need some relief from the stress and fatigue. Without someone else at home, I can't handle both of them, given little J cries so much.

The routine and sleep training for Candra challenged me tremendously. Thankfully we saw and enjoyed the fruits of our labour eventually. Now we are praying hard that God will grant us the same success with this difficult little J, for the good of him as well as the whole family. It takes so much patience and perseverance on my part... to wait for the day he will learn and finally give up. Training's tougher on the parents I think. For both Candra and Joshua, I experience the intense battle of wills during the training process.

My prayer in the training process is that God will cause him to give up at some points so he will still get some sleep. When he does not sleep at all, his feeding and waketimes get affected as well and it just becomes a terrible vicious cycle.

I am feeling so drained now... with occasional headaches attacking cos of the stress I believe... I am so so glad hubby's going to be home much more... so that I can rest. That's a grace from God I believe.

Isaiah 58:11

It's been a pretty tough week because I have been struggling with mild depression. Stressed from Joshua's training for routine and sleep (i.e. his naps) and also decisions which I have to make about what's going to happen after maternity leave is over. Was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday especially and just felt like crying off and on. I had no mood to play with Candra and it did not help that both kids were more whiny. I felt horrible and that I was a really bad mummy.

Last night, I took some time to be quiet before the Lord and told Him that I really needed to be refreshed in my spirit. I decided not to start journalling and to go to His Word first because sometimes, journalling can be such a self-centred exercise and I just get more absorbed into my negative thoughts. I felt like I was coming to my end, so helpless and depressed about all the overwhelming stressors and negative thoughts. I cried out to Him with a simple prayer, "Lord, please speak to my heart tonight."

Thankfully, God spoke clearly when I turned to His Word and gave me a specific word from Isaiah 58:11, a verse which I had never paid much attention to but spoke right into my heart last night.

"The Lord will guide you always, He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

This verse was so apt. I was comforted by God who assured me that He would guide me in all that I have been doing for Joshua. Now that Joshua's more alert in the daytime, his training has gotten rather challenging (somewhat like what I had to go through for Candra). Guess he was really easy in the first month because of their natural drowsiness as newborns, now, it's really time for him to learn. I have been anxious about everything, be it his feeding, training for routine, sleep training, sleeping through the night etc.... super worried and fearful that I might have been doing some things wrongly etc. But God assured me last night that He is guiding me and I need not fear or worry.

God also assured me that I need not fear or worry about the major decisions which I need to make about plans after maternity leave. I am thankful for understanding employers who have been showing me great support all these while. They are always prepared to explore flexible arrangements with me and they fully understand that the interests of my family is my priority. That's something I really appreciate. I have already informed them that I may need to be home full-time. God has assured me that I need not worry and He will guide me as I explore possibilities with them, whether or not doors will be opened is entirely in His hands.

Apart from assuring me of His guidance, God promised to satisfy my needs. Honestly, I have been feeling rather dry spiritually and all the changes which He brought into my life over the past 5 months have been so challenging. It was comforting to know that God wants to satisfy me completely. And as the verse mentions, I yearn to be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. I yearn for that vibrant and abundant life in God, filled with love, joy, peace and hope. It's been a while since I felt that energy and strength from within.

Since end November last year, God's been stretching me tremendously. Though my soul still feels weary and I am in the process of recovery, I am so glad He spoke last night. Nothing beats hearing from the Lord so personally. His Word refreshed me and gave me strength to face this new day. And yes, I am once again reminded not to lean on my own strength and understanding, but entirely on Him.

The Lord is my Great Shepherd.

Day 4 on my own with the 2 kiddos :)

Since Monday this week, it's just been myself and the 2 kids. For the first time, I am a stay at home mummy :p (previously, I had a helper)...

By God's grace, I have been feeling pretty fine with the whole staying at home thing :) The children's routine help tremendously. When Candra was first trained for her routine and sleep when she was an infant, we appreciated the results.. now with 2 kids, I appreciate the importance of routine and sleep training even more. There is more order to my day and the independence of the children when it comes to their sleep makes life a lot easier. I am glad Joshua's daily routine is more or less fixed, so I can plan my day around that. Chaos is largely minimised I must say and there's a lot more predictability. I can plan when to rest, when to cook etc.

Candra's been a good sister, she loves her brothers, hugs him, kisses him, squeezes him.. :) She's always looking forward to his waketime (which is still rather minimal at this stage), sometimes, she will want to disturb him while he is asleep... think she's just too excited about her little brother. We thank God for hearing our prayers for Candra when Joshua was in my tummy. We prayed that she would love him, and would grow up to be a good elder sister....so far, God has shown us that He has answered our prayers for her.

All in all, I am very grateful to God for hearing my cries for help and grace...I was initially very apprehensive about staying at home full-time with the kids without any help (cos I had never done that before). I find myself needing to pray every morning for the Lord to bring me through the day with joy and gladness. Indeed, God's mercies are new every morning. By His grace, I have gladly survived 4 days.

Just this afternoon, I sensed myself losing steam a little and the gladness in my heart... plus hubby's going to be away in the evening, so it's just myself with the 2 kids. I felt rather down and fearful because the evening is usually Joshua's super fussy time, coping with 2 kids in the evening by myself can be potentially challenging. I prayed.. and asked the Lord for strength. When the evening came, I told the 2 kids, "This evening, only mummy's around to take care of the both of you ok, so be good please so mummy won't have too tough a time." Amazingly, the both of them were very good. Joshua was fussy but much better than the previous few evenings.. the evening turned out much better than I had expected. After I put them both to bed, I felt so relieved and I just knew that God was merciful to me once again. He was certainly the one who caused the 2 kids to be cooperative.

The journey of motherhood is exciting, but it also challenges me to be more prayerful and dependent on God. To be a joyful and contented mummy everyday is my goal, but I can also do so with God's grace and strength.

Now, I am hoping for continued joy and gladness daily in the days and weeks and months to come :)