Thursday, March 17, 2011

Isaiah 58:11

It's been a pretty tough week because I have been struggling with mild depression. Stressed from Joshua's training for routine and sleep (i.e. his naps) and also decisions which I have to make about what's going to happen after maternity leave is over. Was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday especially and just felt like crying off and on. I had no mood to play with Candra and it did not help that both kids were more whiny. I felt horrible and that I was a really bad mummy.

Last night, I took some time to be quiet before the Lord and told Him that I really needed to be refreshed in my spirit. I decided not to start journalling and to go to His Word first because sometimes, journalling can be such a self-centred exercise and I just get more absorbed into my negative thoughts. I felt like I was coming to my end, so helpless and depressed about all the overwhelming stressors and negative thoughts. I cried out to Him with a simple prayer, "Lord, please speak to my heart tonight."

Thankfully, God spoke clearly when I turned to His Word and gave me a specific word from Isaiah 58:11, a verse which I had never paid much attention to but spoke right into my heart last night.

"The Lord will guide you always, He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

This verse was so apt. I was comforted by God who assured me that He would guide me in all that I have been doing for Joshua. Now that Joshua's more alert in the daytime, his training has gotten rather challenging (somewhat like what I had to go through for Candra). Guess he was really easy in the first month because of their natural drowsiness as newborns, now, it's really time for him to learn. I have been anxious about everything, be it his feeding, training for routine, sleep training, sleeping through the night etc.... super worried and fearful that I might have been doing some things wrongly etc. But God assured me last night that He is guiding me and I need not fear or worry.

God also assured me that I need not fear or worry about the major decisions which I need to make about plans after maternity leave. I am thankful for understanding employers who have been showing me great support all these while. They are always prepared to explore flexible arrangements with me and they fully understand that the interests of my family is my priority. That's something I really appreciate. I have already informed them that I may need to be home full-time. God has assured me that I need not worry and He will guide me as I explore possibilities with them, whether or not doors will be opened is entirely in His hands.

Apart from assuring me of His guidance, God promised to satisfy my needs. Honestly, I have been feeling rather dry spiritually and all the changes which He brought into my life over the past 5 months have been so challenging. It was comforting to know that God wants to satisfy me completely. And as the verse mentions, I yearn to be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. I yearn for that vibrant and abundant life in God, filled with love, joy, peace and hope. It's been a while since I felt that energy and strength from within.

Since end November last year, God's been stretching me tremendously. Though my soul still feels weary and I am in the process of recovery, I am so glad He spoke last night. Nothing beats hearing from the Lord so personally. His Word refreshed me and gave me strength to face this new day. And yes, I am once again reminded not to lean on my own strength and understanding, but entirely on Him.

The Lord is my Great Shepherd.

2 comments:

iansureal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ann said...

I'm encouraged by your sharing. thank you.