Her first personal prayer request..:)

Candra, out of the blue, made her first personal prayer request which warmed our heart...

"Mummy, please pray for me because I have not passed motion today.."

We were encouraged by that request because though simple, it displayed an understanding about prayer :)

And yes, how I wish my kids will grow up knowing that there is nothing too insignificant in God's eyes to pray about! :p

And most importantly.. to know that He will always listen.

She just wants to win! :)

Candra & 外公 arguing over the identity of a figurine in traditional

chinese costume from our hometown in China:

Candra: 这个是mummy.

外公: 不是，是太外婆。。。

Candra:不是,是mummy！

外公: 不是，是太外婆！

Candra:不是,是mummy！

外公: 不是，是太外婆！

Candra: 好！是太mummy!

Candra's sayings :)

Candra: O for playground.

Me: No, P for playground.

Candra: Old playground (there are 2 playgrounds near our place, one is new, so the other is old.

My girl and her world of technology..

C: Mummy, can I have my iPhone pls....(at that time WG was not using one yet)

C: Mummy, where is my iPad? (We don't even have one at home)

C: Mummy, I want to charge my phone. Where is my charger? Oh! Papa brought my charger to work already!

(Just this morning)
C: Mummy, let me check my email first ok?

(In the afternoon)
C: Mummy, I want to send SMS to papa ok?

My Maker speaks :)

It's been a difficult month. Been struggling with some issues and I would say super intensive emotions. Depressed etc....

Yesterday, during the kids' nap, I felt prompted to go read His Word because I knew I needed badly to fill my mind with that to fight the ongoing battle.

Not knowing exactly which passage I was going to read and without the intention of just reading whichever page I landed on when I opened the bible, I opened the bible. The page landed on a Psalm. Somehow, I was prompted to read that Psalm. As I read on, verse by verse, I knew in my heart that God was speaking. The words of that Psalm spoke to my heart and I felt identified with by the Psalmist. That kind of identification was powerful and I was led to study it in greater depth. To my amazement, I felt much much better after hearing from God through that Psalm and was immediately released from those intense emotions into the peace which He wanted to give me.

The experience of knowing that God has spoken precisely and specifically frees me. Nothing beats hearing from my Almighty Father. He has proven to me once again that He is with me and He is close-by. He is a personal God who desires to relate to us in the depths of our beings.

Psalm 34: 18

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This song also came to me:

I Cry Out

I cry out for Your hand of mercy to heal me

I am weak and I need your love to free me

O Lord, my Rock, my strength in weakness

Come rescue, O Lord

You are my hope, Your promise never fails me

And my desire is to follow you forever

For You are good, for You are good, for You are good to me

For You are good, for You are good, for You are good to me

Candra at 30 months, Joshua at 9 months

Time flies... Candra's 30 months old and Joshua's 9 months old.

Joshua's cruising and moving around a lot. We notice that he is a lot more active as compared to Candra. We find him a milder character too... quieter... and entertains himself with toys etc. better. (Candra at the same age was showing signs of boredom very frequently... even until now haha). He is a sweet boy...and I am thankful that he is a good eater too. :) We are thankful that he is generally not too difficult a boy (guess we are comparing him to his sister here haha)...Well, we shall see.. it's hard to tell accurately at this young age... but we both feel that he has a milder personality.. :P

Candra's speaking a lot and thankfully in both languages for now.. :) She always makes us feel that she is much older than her actual age. Since day 1 actually. We kind of feel like she is advanced by 6 months or more in her brain power haha.. :p Guess that explains why she is easily bored (and this we observed since she was really young)...She needs a lot of interaction and stimulation on a daily basis (which makes my life rather tough at times)... but all in all, we enjoy her tremendously. She converses likes she's really grown up haha! At this age, she can recognize numbers 0 to 9, capital A to Z, and a number of shapes and colors. This girl has a strong personality... and tests our patience quite a bit. But well, we are still thankful that she's been growing up and learning well. She's cute.

A timely reminder

Chapter 38 from the book, "Relationship Principles of Jesus"....

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5: 44-45)

Question to consider: Have I asked God for the strength to act with love towards someone who is treating me as an enemy?

a HUGE gift from God

Here's the story:

Hubby and I have been eyeing the iMAC for a while because of the no-CPU concept.... plus we also found a super nice and slim computer table to go with that online.. :) Problem is, both of them added together = huge purchase.

Lately, we have been on this "clear the house of clutter" project.. and so the 2 items are really appealing.

Because of the amount involved, we contemplated over a long time and prayed to God honestly about our hearts' desire. We specifically asked God to give us the peace to go ahead with the purchase.

When we first thought we had to peace to purchase them online, we sat down at the computer ready to click and go. Suddenly, hubby asked me, what are we going to do with our existing computer and tables then? Haha :) when he asked me that, immediately, I lost the peace to click and go! Then I told him, hmmm...looks like we have to wait and not go ahead with the purchase yet. We do have to responsibly settle our existing tables and computer first before buying anything new.

After that, we embarked on the give everything away project :) Thankfully, we managed to give away all of them to people who either need or would make good use of them! Only after settling everything did we have the peace to click and go! :)

That's not the end of it... the beautiful table arrived 2 days ago and the iMAC arrived today :p...the funny thing was this, hubby, out of the blue yesterday went to explore an unused wallet of mine (initially thinking that maybe he could use it but thereafter realising that it was too girly.. haha...) in the hope of finding some money :P....and to his surprise, he found a cheque in my wallet!!!

Best part was this, the cheque (which has expired), is for $X which almost matches exactly the amount we have to pay for the 2 items!!!! The cheque was actually a gift to us quite some time back.

We were both very pleasantly surprised because we were prepared to be out of pocket by $X....with that cheque of about $X.... we feel like we have just received a huge gift!!!

And we both are thankful to God for leading us throughout this purchase and pleasantly surprising us this way :p

One important lesson that we learnt though...God wants us to be good stewards of everything God has given to us. We cannot just spend $ in any way we want and lead to unnecessary wastage of resources.

We feel so loved by God really... hehehe

Candra's first self-initiated prayers

The very first one that we still cannot quite understand...

Candra: Dear Father, please help me to 'tar-sher' my body, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

For mama

Candra: Dear Father, please help mama..somemore babies. (skipped the 'have' :p haha)

For her little brother

Candra saw a little puppy in her devotion book today and said she wanted to pray for the dog.

I went...errr....how do you want to pray for a dog?

Candra: Err.............Dear Father....please help didi not be scared of the dog. :) [Joshua's been afraid of our dog Farnia at my mum's place]

That was so sweet I thought :)

I know God loves me because...

I have been using a book called "100 ways to know that God loves me" with Candra for devotion.

Each day, one truth will be taught about how we know He loves us.

This is what Candra loves to say,

"I know God loves me because...God loves me :)"

That to me, is a profound statement and can be interpreted in 2 ways.

1) God's loves is such an evident fact that there we hardly need to further describe how He loves us and the ways in which He shows that.

2) Because God loves us, He will cause us to know that He loves us. Knowledge of His love is the foundation of life.

I do feel encouraged each day after our devotion time together....It's wonderful being reminded of His love.

Encouraged

This morning, Joshua was displaying naughty behaviors on the highchair while taking his solids.

Usually, as a part of training him, I would constantly remind him not to repeat the same naughty action. I would probably go something like, "Joshua, pls don't do that" or "Joshua, no, no".

Candra would often imitate me by repeating after me. But this morning, she said something different that really struck me. She said, "Joshua, please obey mama".

My girl's really growing up.. :) by saying that to Joshua, she showed me that she has some understanding of obedience. That to me is really crucial for the bible commands children to obey their parents. I was encouraged by that :p

She has also been enjoying praise songs.. what's really cute is this.. she uses, "this is my favourite song" or "my favourite song is.." on a thousand and one songs! :) haha.. well, she doesn't quite get the idea of 'favourite' huh.. haha..but it's nice to know she enjoys singing them...and I must say that it's really enjoyable listening to little kids praising God!

Putting aside her other naughty behaviours.. this girl never fails to brighten up by day with these encouraging moments... :)

Candra's understand on holy communion

(In mandarin)

During Holy Communion one sunday..

Mummy: Candra, this biscuit represents Jesus' body.. Jesus died on the cross for our sins...and this ribena drink which is red in colour represents His blood..because He bled on the cross..

Candra: Mama, I also fell down and bled and need to eat biscuit and drink ribena!

Mummy: Errr.......err.....?????

Candra wants more siblings :)

(In mandarin)

Mummy: Candra, we should pray for at least one person each day. Who do you want to pray for today?

Candra: Thinking hard...

Mummy: How about auntie KW, she is getting married and now very stressed....

Candra: No!

Mummy: Then who do you want to pray for?

Candra: For mama

Mummy: Oh.. how do you want to pray for mama?

Candra: Pray for mama to have a baby in stomach

Mummy: Haha :P ok

Candra: (Placing her hand on my tummy voluntarily)....

Mummy: (Leading her in prayer).... Dear God....please give mama, a didi (bro) OR meimei (sis)

Candra: (Repeating)...Dear God... please give mama, a didi (bro) AND meimei (sis)!

Discovering Joshua

Joshua cried for 2 whole hours just now after being put down for bedtime.

Hubby and I were initially clueless as to why he kept crying. We tried to ease him of all possible discomfort... even after all that, he continued to cry.. and we could tell he was crying in protest. We did what we used to do during his sleep training phase, that was to go into his room to comfort him in intervals...we did that many times over the 2 hours but still he went on and on...

My instincts and his behavior told me that he wanted to be nursed even though he was not hungry. That's the weird part.. he has always been self-soothing to sleep.. he sucks his left thumb.. but for some reason.. he wanted to be nursed... and when I tried to give him his thumb, he would shove my hand aside.

The battle between us and him went on and on and on...until we decided that we may have to spank him to get he message across to him. That was a difficult decision because afterall, Joshua's only 7 months old. Most people would say infants at this age are too young for that. But we remembered that Candra was spanked even earlier when she too gave us sleep problems and it worked for her. So that made us consider doing the same for Joshua.

After praying and hearing him protest for 2 whole hours with hard crying, we finally decided to do it. Hubby spanked him once, he cried even harder..then he looked to me....and I knew I had to spank him again. When we left the room, he continued to cry.. but the crying was less intense and we felt there was a change of heart..and shortly thereafter... silence... our boy got the message and decided to give up.

Maybe some would feel that I was being cruel to him because nursing him would have avoided all that crying... but to me, giving in this once equates to cultivating a new habit which may encourage unnecessary night-waking... moreover, he has proven himself to be able to sleep on his own for the last 4 months at least.

This boy is strong... I knew that from his 8 weeks of sleep and routine training.. but this time round, I felt it even more strongly.

May God have mercy on us and on this boy especially... I cried so hard while praying for him with hubby throughout the whole process..

God trains us while we train our children...

Conversations that warm my heart

Outing to JYF

Me: Candra, did you go to JYF with daddy?

Candra: Yes

Me: Did you enjoy JYF?

Candra: Yes

Me: What did the brothers and sisters do in JYF?

Candra: Sit down, stand up, sing songs, pray, praise the Lord! :P

Worship service

Candra: Mama, may I have my tambourine please?

Mama: Why do you want your tambourine? It is not play-time, we are going off to church...

Candra: I want my tambourine, to sing songs and praise the Lord! :P

(So yup, how can mummy disallow her to bring it when she wants to use it to praise the Lord... and yes! she used her tambourine during praise time today :p)

Back from a run!

Feels good after a good (though short) run..hehe

Lately, I have been trying to start running... sometimes, I wonder how do full-time stay at home mummies without helpers find the time to exercise. It's been so tough trying to find the time to get a good swim or run. Sometimes, I tell myself I should wake up earlier to run... but haha, I don't always succeed in doing that. Other times, I try to run after the kids go to bed (like tonight) but very often, I find myself too lazy to move haha...guess at the end of the day, it's all about determination and discipline!

When I did not have kids, I was concerned for my health, but not as much as I am now. It's scary hearing about the illnesses going around modern people like us with sedentary lifestyles. For the sake of the children, mummy and daddy must train up!!!!! Daddy has signed up for Standard Chartered Run 21km (although the plan is to run 10km only haha)... what about mummy? :) I want to sign up for a marathon too..but no time to train, that's one...and err...who's going to look after the kiddos during the marathon? :( Can only dream of doing that in my head I guess.

Yeah! 4 August coming... 4th wedding anniversary! :) Hubby and I finally decided we should really scoot out for M-time next tuesday evening and leave the kiddos with my parents and sis. Well, they get to stay overnight somewhere else and we get our M-time.....it's been such a long time since we got to enjoy some proper M-time... ever since Joshua arrived :( Looking forward to that... wanna catch a movie...I haven't done that in a long long while..more than half a year maybe? Deprived huh? haha :) Now, let's pray everything goes well next tuesday!

My work

Just finished a one day trial today...

If I were to stop work altogether.. I will never get to conduct a trial in court again.. never get to apply advocacy skills... never get to experience the 'kick' of going through a trial...

Well.. advocacy is really fun....

And there's something I really enjoy about believing in a case and fighting for it...

Like today..no doubt it's just a "small" case and not a big amount is involved, I enjoyed the process of advocating what I believe is the truth.

God said, to treat big and small cases alike, to do justice to the poor and not favour the rich...

Painful to give it all up I must say...

My great helper :)

Just now, I changed Joshua's diapers before putting him down for a nap.

I left the used diaper on the sofa for a very brief moment, turned around and put Joshua to bed. In less than a minute or maybe a few seconds, i turned back, intending to pick up the used diaper so that I could throw it away, to my surprise, it disappeared! I was in a shock for a moment.. how could something just disappear like that in a matter of seconds.

The next moment, my little darling Candra walked into the room, looking very pleased with herself, and said (in mandarin), "Didi's diaper has been thrown into the dustbin in the kitchen :)"

I was so pleased at that moment and so encouraged by the fact that she took the initiative to throw the diaper into the bin :) She was trying to be helpful.

Well, the paranoid mummy would of course wonder next whether she just threw it around or beside the dustbin and not inside the dustbin... so I went to check.. hehehe.. bingo! She threw it right into the plastic bag in the dustbin...

So yeap! she did a perfect job there! Such a sweet girl isn't she?

Kids say funny things

Mama was trying to teach Candra the importance of clearing up her toys...

Mama said: Candra, do you want the house to be messy?

Candra said: Yes.

Mama said: No. We want the house to be tidy.

Candra said: (Nodding her head) Tidy mess......

Mama: (Burst out laughing)!!! :P

It's tough to leave a passion behind..

It's not been easy coming to the decision of stopping work altogether. I felt so upset one morning at the thought of not being able to practise law again. If it was a job that I hated, leaving would be much easier. But I loved my job and I loved the environment in which I was working.

The partners of my firm are great people who love and care for me. They have been really supportive all these while and always tried their very best to accomodate my circumstances. Most importantly, they respected and understood always that my family is priority. When I had to make this decision to try stopping altogether to stay at home full-time, they did not in any way show displeasure but they were very disappointed. My direct superior especially, afterall, we have been working together for almost four years. Our working styles complement etc. and we are at the end of the day, friends.

After hearing me out on why I have decided in this way, they expressed their support for whatever decision I am about to make. However, they proposed that I take no-pay leave for a period of time just in case I feel like doing some work again at some point. They are ever prepared to work out flexible arrangements to suit my situation. They are not cancelling my practising certificate or my professional insurance in the meantime. They are so kind really. I don't think it is ever possible to find another working environment like this.

We treat each other like family members or at least good friends. This is something I really cherish. It's wonderful to have colleagues and superiors who can show such support.

On my end, there is excitement of course to the decision to stay at home full-time, I am already starting to think about what I would like to do etc. Though I do not at the moment foresee that I will really return to work after the no-pay leave (which they are fully prepared for), I must say that I am just taking things a step at a time because I am not entirely certainly what's going to happen in the long run.

I am really hoping that I will feel perfectly fine not lawyering again. I really love my job. I love the mindwork, I love the advocacy.... O Lord, please help me feel really fine.

Well, in 2 months time, I will moving on into a completely new phase. Honestly, I do not know what the future beholds and how I would adjust. But I know that the Lord will bring me through. :)

Yeah... finally...

Plucked up the courage to speak to my boss just now.

Told him that I will have to leave the job sometime pretty soon...

It was not an easy call to make because they have been really kind to me and have been trying to keep me around (to the extent that they allow me to just work for 2 days)...

But I guess the conflict in interests is one that cannot be resolved satisfactorily... I have to make a choice eventually and yes, I have made that choice.

I won't say I am feeling very good about having to tell them I need to leave for good, but I guess a part of me is relieved that there is finally some certainty to the whole matter.

What have we been up to lately???

I just expended a whole lot of energy struggling last week over some issues relating to my parenting.... and after expending all that energy, I realised those struggles were useless as usual. The root cause was, as usual, striving to gain the approval of God and doubting all the time whether I am 'approved' by Him and whether He is truly pleased with everything that I am doing as a mummy plus the decisions I have been making... Conclusion of the whole struggle came when hubby reminded me this, "since when do we need to gain the approval of God through our deeds and since when have we been able to gain his approval through our own means?"....I was reminded that God loves me no matter what I do and there is really no need to 'perform' well as a mummy.

Thankfully. I am feeling more settled this week and so far, everything's been good save that I seem to be struggling with some discontentment with my life... can't quite describe that feeling through the blog.. well, everythings going well, kids growing fine, family's happy, work's fine etc.......but, there is just some discontentment, or should I say disatisfaction somewhere.... think the question that often bugs me is that, "Shouldn't life be much more than these?"

On the home front, Candra's potty trained! Yeah! And she's now enjoying her rides on her tricycle. We purposely got her one which cannot be pushed by adults, so that means she got to work hard and moving it on her own.. :) She's been doing well and I am so glad she's expending energy in that manner......she's so bored at home.. and because she loves to eat, we try ways and means to expend her energy too. Plus I think she sleeps better with greater energy expenditure.

Joshua's becoming more and more responsive and he LOVES his sister :) They both love each other and I am truly thankful for that. His sister's movements and noises will always catch his attention first.. I can't wait to watch them play together more in future. He's quite easy now in that he can play for quite a while in the bouncer... can't imagine the day when he starts to crawl around.. I will be so exhausted I am sure..haha...ah well.. we shall see.

Hubby's been more free lately cos it's school holidays and his part-time studies have not resumed.. it's nice to see him relaxing a lot more during this period of rest.. and I feel less bad to ask him for help at home when he is having his long break haha!

Potty training.. not my cup of tea :)

Phew... both kiddos are napping now and hubby's going out to church first.

I love this afternoon slot when I get at least 2 hours to do my own stuff. I just completed some chores and thought I should blog a little before going on to have some personal reading time etc :)

Thankfully, after testing the system for a few days, Candra's fighting less for naps and bedtime already.. Phew... those few days of crazy tantrums from her really drove me crazy.

Actually, I have been feeling rather snappy since yesterday... and of course, during such times, Candra's whines will really get to me a lot more.

We have been trying to get some potty training done for quite a while.. sometimes, this little girl makes us feel that she's just being resistant to change and of course, she often refuses to be disrupted during her favourite meal and video times. I must admit that I lost my patience at many points in time, frustrated that she's just not getting it....thankfully. yesterday, she asked to go to the toilet to pass urine for the first time and today, a second time. :) We thought she would do better for 'big business' first but to the contrary, she miraculously picked up the skill of going to the washroom to urinate must faster :) When she did it for the first time, I felt that God was reminding me to be patient with my child. He reminded me that no matter how tough training may be, I must trust that my child will learn and because of that, I ought to be patient.

Well, this little girl's not doing it perfectly yet.. but I can tell she is learning and now seriously trying to cooperate with us. No more diapers for her at home now, so she's really got to cooperate if not mummy will have lots of cleaning to do.

She's always super excited when we get all excited about her doing her big and small businesses in the toilet bowl :)

I am so happy we have reached this next milestone for our girl.. :) Finally.. heehee

Injecting love into daily routines

I have been feeling so exhausted since sunday.. and still feeling exhausted now. I think it's because last week was a very tiring week.. with all of us down with a cold except little Joshua.

Whenever I feel tired, it's so easy for me to start getting stressed up and anxious over every other thing. As I mentioned in my previous blog, Candra's been starting to fight us on many many things too... (but my dear mentor's reminded me to gain the right perspective on things so that I don't take this new phase of hers negatively :) thanks dear!)...All in all, I am currently feeling not just physically but also emotionally drained.

Thankfully, God reminded me not to go 'there' (where the negative thoughts linger...).. I consciously told myself repeatedly yesterday not to start dwelling on negative thoughts.... at night, just before I slept, I decided to pick up the book I have been reading on and off (which happens to be the book our whole church will be reading together for the upcoming 40days of Love campaign).

God spoke through a simple and short chapter from the book... this is what the author said which really struck me,

"How much of what you call love has become just a habit? You do what you do today because you did it yesterday- whether bathing your kids or going to work to support your family or giving an offering to the Lord. How can you renew a love that has grown old?......................Here instead is where to begin: rediscover the attitude of love in the everyday habits of your life. You simply take the things that have become mere habit and inject love into them again....Why is this so important? Because much of life is routine. If you don't allow love to become a part of the routine of life, love will be missing from the majority of the minutes in your day." (excerpts from 'The Relationship Principles of Jesus' by Tom Holladay)

The essence of the whole chapter was this, we cannot love if we are relying on ourselves to love... we will grow tired and weary from loving... Only by relying on the power of Christ in us can we continually inject love into our daily routines.

God knew I was feeling so tired that I dreaded another day of doing everything that I have been doing on a daily basis... He knew I was wondering where on earth I was going to find the energy and motivation to love and care for hubby and kids......

When I read all that, I was comforted, not because I was suddenly strengthened physically or emotionally, but because I knew that I could face another day with his power within me and inject love into the daily routines solely because I could lean on Him.

Praise the Lord!

To tired mummies out there, remember to inject love into our daily routines... and most importantly, rely on the power of Jesus! :)

Terrible Two

Argh..Candra's just turned 2 years old a month ago..

Now I get it when people use the word 'terrible two'...!!!

She's been asserting herself even much more than before...loves to say 'NO' and 'Bu yao (no in mandarin)' to EVERYTHING... she doesn't want to wash her hands, doesn't want to brush her teeth, doesn't want to drink water, doesn't want to play with her toys, doesn't want to do this and do that.. blah blah blah.. and the list goes on.......crazy crazy..

The worst thing is this, she now fights me during her naps and bedtime... crazy amount of crying before sleep now... such a sudden change.. she used to be so good with her naps and bedtime. Hai..

But well.. I guess after reading off information on different websites, I have come to realise that I am not alone in this.

Sigh...........terrible two..!! :(

He flipped :)

This morning, I went to pick little Joshua up at 8am.. :) To my pleasant surprise, he had flipped over and he was happily sucking his little thumb.. looking so pleased. Cute.. heehee

A kid's prophecy? haha

Well, we singaporeans have been discussing lots about politics lately.. so yeap, some discussions have been on-going in my family too..

My aunt (in mandarin): Hmm..I wonder who is going to be the next Foreign minister...

Candra: PAPA!

:) I laughed my head off!

God really speaks! - Loving God with all your mind

Today was an anxiety-filled day. Many things went wrong... without giving the full details of what went on through my whole day, I would just say that the day was BAD, VERY BAD...bad because I was so drawn into my anxieties, I had intense negative thoughts, doubts and worries about the future. Those who know me well will know that I can be a pretty intense person at times. When I am hit by anxieties and negative thoughts seemingly uncontrollably (all of which can be pretty absurd), my mind will suddenly feel highly under stress physically, the muscles will tighten and tension headaches start to happen. Have you ever experienced intense anxiety which causes you to react physically? That was me for almost the whole of today...

It got so bad that when I was giving my boy his bedtime feed, I cried out to God, "Father, please save me! The stress from worrying is killing me! Please save me!" The stress and anxieties were too much for me to handle.

Immediately after I prayed that prayer, I had this thought, "Hey, stop thinking and clear your mind." I felt that I had to jump out of my worries and negative thoughts and really STOP thinking. I felt that I had to stop thinking on those thoughts, stop talking to hubby or anyone for that matter about those thoughts, and not even talk to God about those anxieties... JUST STOP, that was what came to me.

Then hubby reminded me that I need to think on God's Word and we both started talking about the verse in Philippians 4:8..the verse that teaches us to think on what is true, noble, admirable, excellent etc.....

And so I went to pick up the book "THE RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLES OF JESUS" which our church will be going through under the 40Days of Love campaign sometime in the 2nd half of this year. Turned to Day 5 because that's the next reading.. GUESS WHAT! The chapter 'Love God will all your mind and strength' started off this way,

"Stop for a moment and totally clear your mind. What was your first thought after you cleared your mind....Or it may be worry...it may be a negative thought"

Then it goes on to say,

"To love God with all your mind, you must put God's words into your mind."

And then,

"One of the most powerful verses in the Bible for turning your thoughts to God is Philippians 4:8. I urge you to memorise this verse:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

Haha! Both hubby and I immediately went, "WOW!" That's how clearly God speaks to us huh..We were just talking about me clearing my mind and how I should turn to God's word, Phil 4:8 etc.. haha :)

I prayed, "God save me" earlier on and He answered my pray immediately!!!!! He spoke clearly that I MUST stop thinking on those nonsensical thoughts and start thinking on Him.. :) Though this is not the first time God is giving me this message, it's always refreshing to hear God speak so so so clearly and in such a timely manner. 'Timely' is the word. :)

How can anyone say that God does not speak?

He does and that's how intimate He wants to get with us. :)

God is so so so good...........!

Well..what happens after we hear God? Action must follow.. I hope that in the coming days, I will really put in good effort to focus my thoughts on Him.

Rest in Him

I fell ill yesterday and I have been feeling super tired over the past few days. Experiencing some tension headaches too and all these point to one thing, STRESS.

I am so glad I had some time this morning to start journalling and be quiet before the Lord. I tried to release my tension and fatigue through sleep, personal time and some entertainment, but I knew in my heart that true rest can only be attained in His presence. All those methods of stress relief are but temporary. So yup, finally took some time to be quiet before the Lord to pour out everything to Him... and I know I've got to do that somemore before I can truly say I am well rested.

I have been plagued with worries and fears.. been wondering whether it is 'right' to go back to part-time and home-based work...whether I am trying to accomplish too much i.e. work, family and ministry.......ministry because although I am no longer formally serving in any ministry, I wish to continue ministering to people from home... Well, being the thinker or OVERthinker that I am, I will always inevitably get myself super stressed up and tensed.......

Talked to God about things just now.. about everything on both hubby's and my plate....ultimately, we can only surrender ourselves to God's guidance on all these critical life decisions. If He leads us somewhere or to do some things, we also have to trust Him to give us the necessary strength and capacity to go through all the difficulties and stress which come along. That's life....as the saying goes, life is not a bed of roses.... but our hearts' desire is that we would not just SURVIVE through all the difficulties and challenges but THRIVE.

Both of us are being immensely stretched in all directions now that we are parents of two... but through all these, we are also learning to rely on God even more. To rely on Him for physical, emotional and spiritual strength...everyday... every moment...

No matter what, God will always be good... :)

I Need Thee Every Hour

It's almost midnight now, but both hubby and I are not asleep yet. We just spent some time talking after putting our kids to bed... and we are still not going to sleep yet because we feel that we need some more personal space. Very often, we unknowingly pressurize ourselves to sleep early because our mind tells us that we need sufficient rest to meet the demands during the day. BUT, sometimes, this kind of pressure makes it even more difficult for us to get restful sleep. So yup, we concluded today that we each need to get some more personal time to relax before turning in, even if it means turning in late. Basically, we want to turn in when our hearts feel more at rest.

Ever since Joshua arrived, I have been running like a machine... this machine runs non-stop during the day, gets some rest at night and then starts running again the next day. There is hardly time to stop, relax, reflect and rest...Thankfully, by God's grace, Joshua started sleeping through the night after the 8plus 9pm feed and dropped his dream feed this week. YEAH! No more night feeds after bedtime at about 9pm. Finally, I can get my continuous night sleep... and he only starts the day at 7plus 8am. All parents yearn for good sleep at night I am sure... and I am super grateful for that now. At least I can rest after the kids are put to bed.

Yesterday, we were at hubby's parents' place... managed to scoot out for a 1 hour M-time...our first M-time since Joshua arrived. Though short, it was better than nothing... Looking forward to more M-time now that Joshua's trained. Can drop the kids at parents' place more easily and scoot out for some M-time.

It's been crazy taking care of the kids and chores at home... well, I am managing..but I am still adjusting. Something else more crazy's coming along... I am going to return to work. Going into office 2 times a week and working from home. Haha.. I know, to mummies out there who have no help, this sounds absolutely crazy. :) I think so too.... Actually, I am a little apprehensive about the whole thing... training Joshua on the bottle now (so far so good), training him to take his naps and follow his routine at my mum's place (so far so good).... Things are moving along as planned.. BUT, I do feel stressed about the whole thing. Seriously............ But for now, seems like I just need to give it a shot. Partly because I don't feel it's time to leave my boss in the lurch yet... well....we shall see... Good thing is, they know that it's probably going to be a temporary thing or are at least prepared for the eventuality that I will be gone.... cos at some point, I will most likely drop it altogether. Pls pray that I will not go crazy and will be able to manage everything by His grace for as long as I need to manage everything on my plate.

In the meantime, I am really really learning to rely on the Lord every moment of my day. Praying to the Lord always has become something inevitable I guess..The hymn, "I need Thee every hour" has also become one of my favourites because that's so so applicable to me.

I need the Lord to help me not raise my voice at the kids or lose my patience when they drive me nuts.

I need the Lord to give me strength to manage the never-ending and repetitive house chores over and above everything else.

I need the Lord to give me joy in the midst of the craziness everyday.

I need the Lord to heal me when I feel sick or on the verge of falling sick (sometimes, I feel that mommies can NEVER fall ill).

I need the Lord to take away my worries about the future work arrangement and to grant me the courage to just take things a step at a time as He leads me.

I need the Lord to give me the peace and confidence every night to know that His mercies for me tomorrow will be brand new.

I need Thee every hour.

Almost there :)

Joshua's at his 11th week,

Routine's more or less there and sleep training's more or less there too. For the past 2 days, he has been taking longer naps... still some crying and whimpering during the naps, but it's more for settling to sleep at the start of sleep cycles. I think he has more or less learnt how to get back to sleep after exiting from one sleep cycle :), hoping he will just get better at it.

Slept through for the first time last night. Last feed at 1130pm, first feed this morning at 710am. There was some crying and whimpering at 530am which lasted for slightly more than half and hour, but I sort of knew that he was not crying for milk. He did eventually settle back to sleep I believe and woke up in the morning for his usual first feed.

Now I am hoping he is really going to consistently sleep through the night, cos I have been feeling so tired this week. I think I have reached my limit for lack of continuous sleep at night. I feel like zombie every morning and I can hardly play with Candra. It does not help that there usually isn't time for me to take a proper nap in the morning. Oh...I really hope he is sleeping through already. Since he did not make it at the usual 7-9weeks like his sister, I am really hoping he makes it between 10-12weeks.

Feels like all the hard work's just worth it. He is playing much better now during his waketime. Less fussiness cos he is well-rested from the naps and less crying throughout the day in general. He is starting to smile quite a bit and he makes cooing sounds :p I have been waiting so long for this day....... this boy's training process was really tough I must say.

His routine now looks like this:

715am - feeding then waketime

815am - nap 1

1050am -feeding then waketime

12pm - nap 2

245pm - feeding then waketime

350pm - nap 3

6pm - feeding then waketime

715pm - nap 4

8pm - waketime

9pm - feeding and bedtime

1130pm - dreamfeed

Summary of little J's progress with sleep training for naps

Weeks 5 - 8:

Joshua: Hard persistent cries... "Mummy, I don't want to sleep!" or "Mummy, I don't know how to sleep by myself!" or "Mummy, please carry me to sleep".....

Dad/Mum: Go into his room on and off, pick him up to help him burp, then put him back until the next feeding time. Sometime in week 8, we realised it was not a good idea to go in too much because he would cry even louder, decided to lengthen the intervals and sometimes not go in at all.

Week 9:

Joshua: Sleeps 20/30/45mins (one sleep cycle) by himself and hard persistent cries after waking up... "Mummy, I have slept on my own and woken up, come pick me out of the baby cot, nap time is OVER!"

Dad/Mum: After he awakes, continue to leave him in the cot and only pick him up occasionally until the next feeding time. "No, no, nap time is not over :("

Week 10:

Joshua: Sleeps 20/30/45mins (one sleep cycle) and little hard crying thereafter, just long whimpers and whines while attempting to sleep some more but not often successful. "Mummy, I slept on my own and I have woken up, I am trying to get back to sleep again but it's hard :("

Dad/Mum: After he awakes, continue to let him try learning to go back to sleep another cycle or 2, sometimes he fails and whimpers till the next feed, sometimes he succeeds in sleeping somemore.

It's been a tough journey.. but as we look back and now analyse our boy's progress, we are thankful that he has been learning and till now, still making progress. We are now waiting for the final phase of the training to be completed i.e. when he succeeds in getting himself back to sleep after one sleep cycle for all naps. Though he gets the idea bit by bit, we are grateful for whatever progress he has made. While going through Joshua's training, I have come to realise how difficult it is for children to learn to take longer naps.

I love this promise from God in Isaiah 54:13:

¹³ All your children will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be their peace.

Light at the end of the tunnel?

This week, Joshua seems a little more stable... naps are improving I think. At least now there is much less hard crying from him (just whines) and he does try to take longer naps. Hoping he just gets better at it. I think he is getting the idea of long naps (i.e. that there is no point crying in the baby cot and that he should just try to sleep). I am looking forward to even more stability from him, which would help him sleep through the night sooner I believe.

Although he is my second child, I still find myself rather green at this whole establishing the routine thinggie. Guess what makes it more difficult is that both my children take a longer time to stabilise as a result of their longer sleep training period and initial poor napping habits. Whatever the case, I am glad we are still persevering.. past 2 nights, he managed to just take one feed in the middle of the night...hoping it will stay this way until that feed disappears.

God taught me an important lesson as a parent. Be patient, persevere and surrender all expectations to God. I came to realise that my anxieties earlier on were largely caused by my own expectations as to when things should fall into place. Maybe because Candra's routine and sleeping through happened earlier, so I was sort of expecting things to be the same if not easier. The process turned out to be more difficult and longer this time round. The fears of chaos, hard crying in the day and fatigue caused me to keep expecting and hoping for quick results. When I finally decided to just accept that Joshua would take a longer time and yield ALL expectations to God, the anxieties and fears more or less went away. I just told myself, "persevere no matter how long the training would take, someday he would eventually learn. Accept the temporary chaos and fatigue."

I am thankful for the change of perspective. Though I am still getting interrupted sleep at night and his daytime naps and routine are not all perfect, I am feeling better than before by being less stubborn.

God's been teaching me so much about patience and hoping in Him through life's circumstances lately.

The daily devotions with Candra (using her kid's devotional) helps tremendously. Now, I will try to memorise the verse everyday to take my mind off negative thinking and I must say that the verses have helped me through each day. It's easy for a parent to think that the kid's devotion time is for the child...I have come to make those precious devotions with her my own too.. and I really do learn quite a bit, though the truths are taught in a very simple manner.

I have been trying to distract myself with other things too to help myself move away from depression. We have been inviting people over to our place quite a bit.. usually after 9pm when kids have gone to bed. I have come to realise that I do need to expend some energies elsewhere in order to be happy. :) I don't quite like the idea of just focusing on the kids, their routine, training etc on a daily basis.... drives me crazy quite easily.. haha

Well, God has been good... as always.. I know that.. and He will definitely see me through no matter how tough things might seem at the moment. :)

Waiting, persevering, and hoping...

Hai.. Joshua's naps are still not regular. Well, I must say that there has been some improvement. At least he does not cry throughout his naps now... he would most of the time sleep at least 1 cycle.. for some, he will fall back to sleep after some crying, the rest, he would just keep crying till feeding time. I am still waiting for him to learn to fall back to sleep because this boy needs his long naps. He has been cranky for almost all of his waketimes because of the poor napping. He is unlike his sister who was able to keep herself super alert despite the lack of sleep. This boy has hardly been playing.

This is his pattern now. On a day when he is more alert, he will not nap well, waketimes will be bad because of the poor napping, the next day will be a day with a lot of sleeping (sometimes too much) because he has to make up for the lost sleep the day before, waketimes are also bad and cranky because he does not want to play much. So basically, Joshua's still a very cranky baby. I am persevering and waiting for the day he starts to nap well and fall into some regular routine. There was one day when he did that, and he was quite an angel and could play better. So yup, good naps are SUPER SUPER important. Praying the regular long naps will fall into place soon.. I will wait...he has been learning...as I can see that from the improvement from no nap to at least 1 cycle.

He hasn't slept through the first 7-8 hours yet.. I was hoping for that actually.. especially since his sister did that at about 7 weeks and according to Babywise 7-9 weeks is the usual. But it's ok, I figured some kids really do take longer to sleep through.. furthermore, I just realised, after analysing the situation with hubby yesterday that I might have made a mistake in the arrangement of his feeds in the evening... Making last minute adjustments now, hoping that would help him pick up the skill sooner..a little late.. but I am trying to take it easy.

This boy's personality plus his biological makeup does make his training tougher. I have been learning to be patient.. patient with him as I persevere in the routine and sleep training. He may take a longer time to learn because his resistance seems rather strong, but I am still hoping and praying for things to fall into place. For this boy, haphazardness or letting him take the lead on his cycles is definitely a bad idea.. I can imagine how terrible and tiring that would be for me and it would not benefit the whole family.

I would say that God's been teaching me an important lesson on patience through this boy. Patience with him even though he is perpetually fussy and is always doing the right thing at the wrong time (sleeping when it's waketime, waking when it's sleeptime etc.)...I have come to realise how limited I am... Lacking in love.. lacking in patience...So many times, I find myself confessing to the Lord that I am such a horrible mummy and asking Him to increase my capacity to love and accept the fussiness. It's not easy to be gentle always in face of a constantly fussy baby.

Each child tests us in a different way. Though it's been really tiring and draining...I know I must not give up learning together with Joshua, for he is God's gift to me. No matter how difficult the journey is, unconditional love and acceptance is the way.

I can only lean on God.........for without Him, I wouldn't know how to cope with everything.

Hubby's 2 weeks leave is ending soon... :(, it's been wonderful having him around. He took leave at just the right time, I was at my end really and needed a break. Starting from next week, I will be on my own with the 2 kiddos again... A little frightening for me at times.. but well, I just got to be strong.

When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel?

We are waiting.. waiting for the day Joshua decides to give up altogether and just follow the routine we have set out for him.

It's been such a tough journey.. a battle of wills everyday, our will against his. As a mother, I feel so drained struggling to train him because I got to withstand his cries, protests and whines. Been having terrible tension headaches from the lack of sleep, stress, depression etc...But thankfully, my condition started to improve after I started memorising scripture on hubby's prompting. Nothing could cure my headaches, the Word of the Lord did that immediately. That's the power of His Word.

Day after day, I keep crying to the Lord, "When will we see the light at the end of the tunnel?" This journey has called for a great deal of perseverance...Joshua's tough training started at around week 5 and 6, it's already week 8 now and we are moving into week 9... how I wish the whole process will be over soon.. but the boy got to decide to give up.

His ability to do his nights well just prove to us that he is capable of doing his daytime naps well. In fact, he does do well at certain naps, when he DECIDES to sleep on his own and alone. Same problem we had we Candra, they are capable of doing what we want them to do but they will only do that when they DECIDE to do it. The key is, they got to DECIDE to do it. When they don't want to, they will just cry and demand for attention and do that persistently.... hai... KIDS... that's what they are really good at huh, testing limits and pushing boundaries... :)

Honestly, after going through the fire for Candra's training, I thought No. 2 will definitely be easier, but now, I think what I went through for No. 1 only served as preparation for No. 2 because No. 2's seemingly tougher. :( I certainly hope No. 3 (if we do go on to have No. 3 that is) will be easier.....such times force me to cry out to the Lord for mercy. I did ask myself, "Why not give up training since it's so tough?"..but I know I have no alternative. No training for me means more fatigue and chaos at home... which = to more stress. Either way is stressful, training is stressful...but no training will even be more stressful in the long run. Of course, I am assuming Joshua will learn and surrender someday.

O, I wish Joshua learns soon and just give up completely.......on that day, peace will be restored to our home... I think he has been crying at least a total of 4 hours a day, naptime plus waketime.

I am thankful Candra's been patient and loving towards him still. Although there are times when she snaps too because of her brother's fussiness (which I think is understandable given that we snap at times too), she snaps a lot lesser than I do definitely. In that sense, I am learning from her, a little child.

I am so humbled when I look at my ugly self... I snap so easily when I am under stress... I feel like I am such a terrible mummy.. short-tempered and impatient... my poor kids suffer when I can't get a proper grip on myself. Sigh....

O Lord, have mercy on us... help us see the light at the end of the tunnel...in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Training for Little J and mummy

Oh.... the training for Little J's getting really tough. Reminds me of the days when we were training Candra.

Initially I thought little J's going to be easier because he was pretty good in the first month. Slept well, cried only 15 to 20 mins before going off to sleep on his own. BUT, things started to change at about week 5... started to cry during naps and as the weeks progressed, the crying increased. On a worst day, he could cry throughout 3 out of 4 naps (final nap he will knock out because he is just too tired). For a long time, I was trying to figure out what was the cause of it, too cold, too hot, gas etc? Gave him aircon, music, etc......BUT, nothing worked... finally, we analysed and figured out the root cause. This boy wants to be carried and accompanied during naps.

Little J wants to be carried ALL the time... both during waketime and naptime.. thankfully, he is amazing good at night, sleeps by himself and does not disturb anyone. It's been tiring and draining because he fusses whenever we put him down during daytime. But we know he needs to learn and so we are trying to get used to his fussing. This boy does not enjoy being put on the bouncer or the rocker. He also does not enjoy watching his mobiles or any toys for that matter..... :( He just wants to be carried all the time. Oh my...

We have been insisting on the training, it's been 2plus weeks now.. this boy's been very persistent though... persistent in crying for attention during naps. I've been feeling really drained by the whole process, but I know I have no alternative but to go through the training process. If we give up, we will have to carry him all the time and it won't be good for our family in the long run, especially if we are looking to having some more children. As it is, his sister's been feeling a little neglected because of the attention we have been giving to him. Oh... I wish he will learn it soon. His sister took weeks too.........:(, we are praying really hard for him.

I am so thankful hubby's on leave these 2 weeks starting from today. God knows I need help at home and I need some relief from the stress and fatigue. Without someone else at home, I can't handle both of them, given little J cries so much.

The routine and sleep training for Candra challenged me tremendously. Thankfully we saw and enjoyed the fruits of our labour eventually. Now we are praying hard that God will grant us the same success with this difficult little J, for the good of him as well as the whole family. It takes so much patience and perseverance on my part... to wait for the day he will learn and finally give up. Training's tougher on the parents I think. For both Candra and Joshua, I experience the intense battle of wills during the training process.

My prayer in the training process is that God will cause him to give up at some points so he will still get some sleep. When he does not sleep at all, his feeding and waketimes get affected as well and it just becomes a terrible vicious cycle.

I am feeling so drained now... with occasional headaches attacking cos of the stress I believe... I am so so glad hubby's going to be home much more... so that I can rest. That's a grace from God I believe.

Isaiah 58:11

It's been a pretty tough week because I have been struggling with mild depression. Stressed from Joshua's training for routine and sleep (i.e. his naps) and also decisions which I have to make about what's going to happen after maternity leave is over. Was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday especially and just felt like crying off and on. I had no mood to play with Candra and it did not help that both kids were more whiny. I felt horrible and that I was a really bad mummy.

Last night, I took some time to be quiet before the Lord and told Him that I really needed to be refreshed in my spirit. I decided not to start journalling and to go to His Word first because sometimes, journalling can be such a self-centred exercise and I just get more absorbed into my negative thoughts. I felt like I was coming to my end, so helpless and depressed about all the overwhelming stressors and negative thoughts. I cried out to Him with a simple prayer, "Lord, please speak to my heart tonight."

Thankfully, God spoke clearly when I turned to His Word and gave me a specific word from Isaiah 58:11, a verse which I had never paid much attention to but spoke right into my heart last night.

"The Lord will guide you always, He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

This verse was so apt. I was comforted by God who assured me that He would guide me in all that I have been doing for Joshua. Now that Joshua's more alert in the daytime, his training has gotten rather challenging (somewhat like what I had to go through for Candra). Guess he was really easy in the first month because of their natural drowsiness as newborns, now, it's really time for him to learn. I have been anxious about everything, be it his feeding, training for routine, sleep training, sleeping through the night etc.... super worried and fearful that I might have been doing some things wrongly etc. But God assured me last night that He is guiding me and I need not fear or worry.

God also assured me that I need not fear or worry about the major decisions which I need to make about plans after maternity leave. I am thankful for understanding employers who have been showing me great support all these while. They are always prepared to explore flexible arrangements with me and they fully understand that the interests of my family is my priority. That's something I really appreciate. I have already informed them that I may need to be home full-time. God has assured me that I need not worry and He will guide me as I explore possibilities with them, whether or not doors will be opened is entirely in His hands.

Apart from assuring me of His guidance, God promised to satisfy my needs. Honestly, I have been feeling rather dry spiritually and all the changes which He brought into my life over the past 5 months have been so challenging. It was comforting to know that God wants to satisfy me completely. And as the verse mentions, I yearn to be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. I yearn for that vibrant and abundant life in God, filled with love, joy, peace and hope. It's been a while since I felt that energy and strength from within.

Since end November last year, God's been stretching me tremendously. Though my soul still feels weary and I am in the process of recovery, I am so glad He spoke last night. Nothing beats hearing from the Lord so personally. His Word refreshed me and gave me strength to face this new day. And yes, I am once again reminded not to lean on my own strength and understanding, but entirely on Him.

The Lord is my Great Shepherd.

Day 4 on my own with the 2 kiddos :)

Since Monday this week, it's just been myself and the 2 kids. For the first time, I am a stay at home mummy :p (previously, I had a helper)...

By God's grace, I have been feeling pretty fine with the whole staying at home thing :) The children's routine help tremendously. When Candra was first trained for her routine and sleep when she was an infant, we appreciated the results.. now with 2 kids, I appreciate the importance of routine and sleep training even more. There is more order to my day and the independence of the children when it comes to their sleep makes life a lot easier. I am glad Joshua's daily routine is more or less fixed, so I can plan my day around that. Chaos is largely minimised I must say and there's a lot more predictability. I can plan when to rest, when to cook etc.

Candra's been a good sister, she loves her brothers, hugs him, kisses him, squeezes him.. :) She's always looking forward to his waketime (which is still rather minimal at this stage), sometimes, she will want to disturb him while he is asleep... think she's just too excited about her little brother. We thank God for hearing our prayers for Candra when Joshua was in my tummy. We prayed that she would love him, and would grow up to be a good elder sister....so far, God has shown us that He has answered our prayers for her.

All in all, I am very grateful to God for hearing my cries for help and grace...I was initially very apprehensive about staying at home full-time with the kids without any help (cos I had never done that before). I find myself needing to pray every morning for the Lord to bring me through the day with joy and gladness. Indeed, God's mercies are new every morning. By His grace, I have gladly survived 4 days.

Just this afternoon, I sensed myself losing steam a little and the gladness in my heart... plus hubby's going to be away in the evening, so it's just myself with the 2 kids. I felt rather down and fearful because the evening is usually Joshua's super fussy time, coping with 2 kids in the evening by myself can be potentially challenging. I prayed.. and asked the Lord for strength. When the evening came, I told the 2 kids, "This evening, only mummy's around to take care of the both of you ok, so be good please so mummy won't have too tough a time." Amazingly, the both of them were very good. Joshua was fussy but much better than the previous few evenings.. the evening turned out much better than I had expected. After I put them both to bed, I felt so relieved and I just knew that God was merciful to me once again. He was certainly the one who caused the 2 kids to be cooperative.

The journey of motherhood is exciting, but it also challenges me to be more prayerful and dependent on God. To be a joyful and contented mummy everyday is my goal, but I can also do so with God's grace and strength.

Now, I am hoping for continued joy and gladness daily in the days and weeks and months to come :)

Thanksgiving :)

It's been a while since I blogged.

Hubby's not home yet from part-time studies.. I just got home from mum's place (scoot out of my house during confinement and spent a day there)... managed to put both the big and the small one to bed by 9pm...phew.. and now I finally have some personal time.. so I decided to blog.

I am now at week 3 of confinement. Time flies.. it's been tiring.. but rather enjoyable so far. Our family really experienced God prior to the delivery of Joshua and throughout the delivery process. I hope to blog about our amazing experience of God's providence someday. But for this entry, I thought I would like to spend some time giving thanks for what's been happening during confinement so far.

I am thankful that:

1. Hubby was at home for the first week with me;

2. MIL has been coming by on weekdays faithfully to help me out;

3. My 2 sisters have been taking turns to help me out in the mornings before MIL arrives;

4. My 2 sisters have been taking Candra out to the park, the swimming pool at times so that I can rest more;

5. My mother, despite her busyness at work, tries to ensure that I am well-fed and well taken care of;

6. Joshua's a super good and efficient feeder since day 1, no problems with latching on, super short and efficient feeds (done with each feed in 15 to 20 minutes since day 4);

7. Joshua fell into a good 2.5 hours to 3 hours routine even before week 2;

8. Joshua's routine and sleep training's started to stabilise and take shape yesterday, which is rather early for a newborn I think;

9. Candra's been a good sister and she has been learning to sacrifice some of her wants/needs for the sake of her little brother.

Joshua's super different from Candra. Candra was a sleep fighter and so her training for routine and sleep was really tedious. As for Joshua, he sleeps really well (too well at times though) and now as he settles into his 3 hour routine everyday, I have noticed, since yesterday, that he drops off to sleep on his own after about 5 to 10 minutes of crying for naps and bedtime. Wakes up for nightfeeds after about 4 hour intervals every night. All in all, I feel that Joshua's really a much much easier baby. Maybe it's because he is considered a big newborn..more matured.

Started to train Joshua using Babywise from day 1. I have come to realise that Candra was really a rather abnormal newborn.. haha :p Her sleep fighting and daytime alertness since week 1 really made her quite a unique infant. Joshua in comparison behaves like a super normal newborn. Well, no matter what, I appreciate them both and I appreciate the whole Babywise training and routine.

Hopefully after confinement month is over, I will get a better hang of things, set a good routine for both the kids and manage better.. for now... everyone says I should just rest more. :)

Now I am looking forward to Joshua becoming more alert in the day so that he can start to "play" :)!!!

I feel so blessed to be a mother of 2 now... and I have been telling hubby, "Can you imagine! We are now a family of 4! That feels so different!"

An important lesson on prayer

Recently, our little girl taught me an important lesson prayer.

One night, just before her bedtime, it was time for milk. As usual, she had to pray before having her milk. After we prayed the usual thanksgiving prayer, I was expecting her to start drinking. But, instead of drinking, she started naming the people she would like to pray for. (She usually indicates this by putting her hands together and giving a name/title of the person)...

So well.. she started with "gong1 (my dad)", then "po2 (my mum)", then "pop2 (my aunt)", then "ahyi (my sis)", then "didi (her little bro)", the "mama" and so on..... Wow, with every person she named, she wanted one prayer said.. well, initially, I did as she requested, but as I realised the list went longer and longer.. I started getting a little impatient. I was thinking, "Girl, it's time for bed, you are late for bedtime...." I think I actually did try to rush her a little...but for a moment, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit that I should not be impatient at all.

As a parent, I should be teaching her to pray unceasingly... even if the prayers affect her bedtime... even if it means spending another 10, 15 minutes... I should never ever attempt to stop her from praying or even give her any notion that prayers should stop at some point.

Oh my, I felt so guilty when I displayed my impatience.. So eventually, I went on and on with her... for a while.. .that did not take too long really, but I learnt such a precious lesson and was truly humbled.

I was reminded of this verse in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

Do we pray continually? Are we always tempted to place a time limit on the time spent on prayer?

A side point, this little girl is rather interesting. She has this principle at home, when Papa is at home, he MUST always pray with her during her meals and when she has her milk (sometimes this principle also extends to her bedtime). It's such a huge principle that there were times when I tried to flout the rule by taking over that role out of convenience, and she will insist by calling loudly, "PAPA"... haha :) Basically, wherever papa is, he must drop all that he is doing and take the time to say the prayer... interesting huh :) We find that so intriguing.

Updates on Didi and Jie jie :)

Went to see gynae again today.. the appointments are closer now because THE DAY is drawing near. Well no signs of him coming yet, but well, scanned and estimated his current weight at 3.5kg. Dr. said he will probably break his Jiejie's birthweight record of 3.7kg. "Oh Lord, please have mercy on me and aid me in delivering didi naturally!"

We are grateful that he is growing well. Now, his Jiejie has gotten rather particular about whether didi prays together with us. Whenever it's time for prayer, she will speak with a commanding voice, "DIDI!"...like she's telling him, "didi, it's time to pray ok!"

Putting aside my anxieties about the labour process and how we will cope with his arrival, I think all of us are excited about him. Afterall, he is yet another unique masterpiece of God :) Now, we hope his jiejie will adjust well.. I think we have done whatever we could to prepare her. This girl's really funny, when we returned from church camp, she started using the souvenir torchlight to rub against my tummy every now and then. The first time she did it, I did not quite get what she was doing until she looked at me and said, "didi!"..haha then I realised, she was trying to imitate my gynae doing the regular scan. haha :p

Recently, she will every now and then point to herself and say "Jiejie" :) So sweet.. Well, we shall take things a step at a time and trust that God will just cause all of us to grow.

I have heard that the test of partnership between a married couple can be the toughest when No. 2 comes along. With No. 1, usually mummy's the most involved, but with No. 2, daddy gotta start helping out a lot more. And most ppl say, with No. 3 and on, it's easier.. hmm.... looks like we are in for a challenging season....Please pray for us.

Candra at 20.5 months

Over the past few days, my little girl has been humming the melody of the alphabet song... the whole song, to our surprise! And I must say that she sounds very much in tune :) The 2 other songs which she love are "Twinkle, twinkle" and "Ni2 wa1 wa1". :) For "Twinkle, twinkle", she will sing the last word of every line and for "Ni2 wa1 wa1" she will sing the words which she knows, like wa1 wa1, papa, mama etc. :) Picking up songs really quickly I must say. I am now waiting to hear her hum another familiar melody!

Wow.. she's asserting herself a lot more now and so obedience training's getting tougher I must say. Because she can now express her wants much more than before, we got to guide her a lot more. Now I understand why some tell me that it gets tougher... it really does cos she wants to make her own decisions and wants her own way at times. Just yesterday, she challenged my instruction to put her shoes on the shoe rack and took quite a while before she finally decided to obey. Challenging limits... as usual...

Recently, she's been starting to give me problems with her teeth-brushing at night. She was at that habit for quite a while until she decided to give us problems recently. She just refuses to brush.. but in the morning, she's quite fine. Weird! We are wondering how we should go about resolving that... "Oh Lord, PLEASE HELP US!".

I guess as they grow older, they start to learn how to whine as well. Whining is a no-no in our home. So yup, that's another thing we've been trying to teach her. No whining, as a form of communication.

Ah.. Potty training is another headache for me. This girl knows exactly what the potty is for, given that she's so intelligent and has always displayed such amazing understanding of what goes on around her.. but she simply REFUSES to go to the potty. If she does ever poop in the potty cos I bring her there by force, she will immediately stand up and direct me to use the newspapers to clear her waste away! ARGH!!!! That's all she does with respect to the potty, tell mummy to use the newspapers to clean up. Sigh.. when will she ever learn and when can we stop wasting diapers? "Oh Lord, PLEASE HELP US!"

Well, putting aside the difficulties we have been facing with her growing up.. she's been the same adorable and sweet girl. She can express that it is God whom we pray to, it is God who blesses us with everything, it is God whom we worship in church every week, it is God who instructs her to obey papa and mama etc. She's learning so much everyday.. :) N we trust that she's been growing spiritually, that's what matters the most to us.

This girl's really funny.. recently, she will take special note of how we address each other in the family. For eg, I call my elder sis, "jie jie", and she will do the same instead of calling her "ah ya"!! I call my dad, "papa" and she will do the same... cheekily though cos she knows she's not supposed to. :) She will purposely say things she's not supposed to just to get everyone laughing! SUPER CUTE!

On my end, it's been quite tiring and draining at times because I am about to deliver soon.. and it doesn't help that this little girl's becoming exceptionally clingy...(cos she knows didi's coming probably). Sometimes, I lose my patience towards her and I feel really bad about that. As a human being, it's so difficult to shower unconditional love all the time... we are just so weak. Guess I can only keep turning to God to ask for forgiveness and strength to love in the midst of all the difficulties... especially with No. 2 coming along. Now I really admire those parents with more than 1 kid.... God stretches our capacity to love so much when we have children.

Persevere..getting there...

The last few weeks of pregnancy is usually the toughest for me....

Not so much because I am experiencing any symptoms..but because of the increasing weight of everything in my tummy.

Just feel like relieving the heavy weight as soon as possible.. and I am now waiting for the day when I can sleep on my tummy.

Persevere mummy!!!!!

My boy is a rather responsive kiddo... when I call him "didi", he will move... when I want him to rest at night and stop moving cos I want to get some sleep, he will usually stop immediately... quite a cooperative boy I must say! :) He moves a lot at the sound of music..and when there are lots of human voices around. He seems to know exactly where the activity is. :) He responds too when I sing and read. It's really amazing........I love this interaction that happens at this stage of pregnancy.. but still, I am hoping to see my boy soon, to nurse him, to get to know him...

Another unique human being, woven in my womb by God our maker. I wonder what is his personality like.. and of course, I am always wondering who he looks like. :) And I am looking forward to seeing the interaction between him and his jie jie Candra who already regards him as so much a part of our family in daily living. Candra will never miss out on "didi" when she names the people in our family and she loves to pray for him. :) I think didi already knows his jie jie who kisses and hugs him so often... maybe he already loves her tremendously. hee!

Anyhows, PERSEVERE MUMMY!

Blessed by an angel

Was feeling troubled by life's circumstances again this morning...

To cut the long story short, our family is still going through a season of great uncertainty in light of some things that happened.

It's been a long time since I last faced such great uncertainty... not knowing where we are to head as a family, not knowing what kind of major decisions or changes we are to make (if any). And God seems to be silent still... for now.

Thankfully, God sent an angel to encourage me this morning.. a dear sister who lent me her ears and who understood everything that I said. Sometimes, it's difficult to find someone who can understand fully why you think or feel or certain way. She certainly made me feel that I finally found someone who could understand better why I am handling the current situation in this manner.

Though many questions are still left unanswered and the conversation did not resolve the uncertainties which I am faced with at present, I guess I am encouraged to continue hanging in there until God chooses to make everything clear to me.

The challenge now is to keep trusting God day by day even though the road ahead seems uncertain.

Now, another challenge I am about to face is this, my boy is about 3.3kg now apparently...and I AM ONLY AT 35 weeks!!!! I really hope to have natural birth, like I did with Candra... and this weight issue may pose as a challenge. The good thing is, I don't have to worry about my boy being too tiny..the flip side of it is, the natural delivery part may be slightly challenged. Doc said that the possibility of inducing is always there depending on his weight... just like Candra had to be induced after being overdue for 6 days because she was also getting really big. Doc already said this boy definitely can't wait till after EDD, cos he would probably be too huge by then for natural birth.

Argh!!!.... it may be too late now to control my diet.. but oh well.. I will still try and do all that I can..........

Can't wait to see my boy actually :)